The last two months...

A month exactly has passed between the day I finished with my exams and this day. This month was one of the laziest months of my life, a long break at a stretch (though it was needed). It was a month full of mood swings, from high hopes to desperation, a few lame visits to relatives, long but often repetitive talks with my father,  flipping over TV channels with utter lack of interest, reading through a few books from papa's cupboard, relishing the dishes from mummy's kitchen, and wait for the stipulated time period to end. The phase of my life that I am going through is one of the most unpredictable.

Till September end, I had gone through the most strenuous four months ever, with pressure becoming unbearable, and I was longing to be at home, in love and affection of my parents. I landed home on 30 Sept, but the respite was limited to the 5 hours car journey from Delhi to Chandigarh, as was expected. As soon as I reached home, I was supposed to bury myself back in the heap of books. I knew somewhere in my heart that it would hardly be of any use. But this examination can be full of surprises, both pleasant and horrible, so who would take a chance. Fear and anxiety was already gripping me. I thought I was losing my confidence like sand slipping away from a clenched fist. Perhaps I felt that I was the least prepared of all candidates appearing in the exam. In the hind sight I know I was grossly wrong and I need to get over my idiosyncrasies next time and the world will be mine. But anyways, this time it was not my time. Insomnia was obvious in such conditions. Even the siestas after lunch, that I used to relish at a time, became nightmarish, with me getting up more tired and tense every time after one. Somehow I did gather myself before the fateful day of 5th October arrived.

I was ready for every extremity to happen. I had no expectations. And to some extent I was confident at least for this first exam. The day passed, Paper 1 and then Paper 2. Paper 2 had some moments of unease, but in the end I emerged out of the exam hall with a faint smile and a feeling that it didn't go so bad after all. I knew I could have done better, but nothing goes perfect, right?

The other two days had to be normal, English, Hindi and Essay. In fact I felt quite good after I wrote my essay, though the results shall reveal the truth. But the real cause of worry was waiting ahead.

"Lok Prashasan", better known as PubAd had never been my forte. I used to feel a bit comfortable with it, till the wretched results for the last year came and shattered the hopes of all those with PubAd optional. I hadn't researched a lot before opting for it two years ago, and hardly knew what marks it actually fetched usually. But I considered it to be essential and quintessential choice for the likes of me. But the trends seemed to be flipped after the May's result, when even the toppers seemed to be trailing behind the magic 50%. This caused an intense fear psychosis, and I repent today for not having surfed through the previous year results too, which could have helped to mitigate the fear by some extent. Over and above, that cursed test series that I joined did everything to take my confidence to the lowest ebb. Confidence is most prized resource in this endeavor, and interestingly I knew it forever, yet I am what I am. One thing that today I can hope and wish to serve me perhaps is that I never lost hope and continued to put in my best efforts. Anyways, the first paper was a disaster. Lack of writing practice and inability to complete the answers in given time took its toll. I was numb during lunch time. But a general feedback about the exam was that it was exceptionally tough. I quickly brainstormed for a new strategy to tackle the paper 2 which I considered to be relatively easier for me. The way I fared in the earlier three exams had put me on a safer ground and I tried to maintain my cool by thinking about the remaining ones and expecting to do better at least in them. By god's grace, the second one was relatively much easier and I performed to my satisfaction.

I now had a week and a day more before the final stride, Physics. I was good at it, and it was the last chance. I had high hopes from it. But the pressure to perform and the regret of the last exam was enough to screw this one too. There were a few topics that I was weak at. I did prepare them but not to my satisfaction, knowing that it was rare that a question would be asked out of them. Hydrogen atom problem was one of them. Even on the last day I wanted to revise it once, but I preferred to give time to other important topics. By the time the day before the exam ended, I had gone through everything I felt I needed to. I was rather happy and cool. But things were not supposed to go right. I switched of the lights and went to bed, but I couldn't sleep!  12 AM, 1 AM, 2 AM, 2:30 AM, no sign of slumber. Now the fear of exam was overcome by fear of not being able to sleep, which was the thing I needed most at that time. I sheepishly woke up my parents. My mother immediately got up, hugged me, tried to calm me, and sat beside me patting me to sleep. Mother's love is truly the most magical feeling ever created. I did finally close my eyes at about 3 am and got lost in dreams. But the damage had already been done. I got up in morning with a faint body ache and dizzy head. And when I was doing the morning chores, Split!!! I got a severe sprain in my back. Perhaps anyone else would have chosen to stay back and skip the exam at that very moment. But I somehow kept my spirit high. I went for the exam, wrote, the answers, paper 1 and then paper 2. No prizes for guessing, it was a disaster again. The worst dreams had come true. The topics I had left out considering being less important stared at me mischievously in form of weird questions. I freaked out, made all wrong choices of questions out of fear, and so it ended, in a grim.

I knew I had become a loser this time, having failed all hopes and aspirations of my folks. It wasn't lack of preparation, but lack of gusto in which I ought to take this venture. I tried to appear fine for the first two days after the exam, both outwardly and inwardly, as if that was how it was supposed to go as I wasn't prepared at my best. But sooner the reality started hitting me on my face. I had wasted this precious opportunity to make it this very time. I had let it go.

It was followed by a tumultuous war inside me. I knew what had passed was past, unchangeable. I had to look toward the future. There were lessons to be learnt from this experience. And these lessons shall become my shield in future. And moreover, as my father always tries to convince me, it was not a complete failure. It is true that the exam brings many surprises. May be there is one in store for me too. After all no one is able to do perfectly well, after all those who are competing are also like me.

With this good hope I have prepared myself in this last one month, for greater dedication, perseverance and relentless effort in the next one year. 'Do or die' won't suit me better anytime else. It’s time to move back to Delhi. It’s hard for me to leave home, not because of the comforts, but because it hurts to part from parents at time when even they need me. But there is no free lunch. And life is tough indeed.

(This post was written after writing mains examination in my first attempt (CSE 2012). I cleared mains but could not clear after the interview. My marks were as follows: GS1: 114, GS2: 115, Essay: 112, Physics1: 151, Physics2: 115, PubAd1: 52, PubAd2: 86, Interview: 165)